The bike wars are upon us!

Preface: This is long and ugly, so I cropped it to maintain peoples' sanity. Click "Read More" to dive headlong towards the bottom of a very shallow barrel.

Les messaged me today (and mentioned it on his blog) about some shit going on in the Rants and Raves section of the local Craigslist. So I read it over and this is what I think about it all...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Are you people kidding?!? Please don't let any of the ridiculous posts on there actually be by people I know, and if you did write one don't tell me, because this is just getting out of hand. There are people threatening gun violence, running over cyclists, following cyclists so that if they get harassed they can beat up the harasser, throwing acid on cars, throwing piss, and my personal favorite, threats of gay sexual violence from supposed "straight" drivers towards lycra-clad cyclists. Awesome. Here are a few of my favorites, at least the ones I'd snagged before they'd been flagged. Thanks for mentioning this, Les:

The first salvo (yesterday):
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/867365259.html

Dear Biker Riders on 973 today! I am Declaring war on bikers! (South Austin)
Reply to: pers-867365259@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-05, 1:00PM CDT

As I drove to work today in a silly attempt to make money, I inadvertently got caught in you bike race. And after waiting for over an hour on a bridge caught in some no man's land for you lance Armstrong wanna Be's to pass me so that I could continue my drive to work. I hope many of you crashed and are laying in a pool of blood by the side of the road. But if not I am sure going to do my best to run as many of you off the road as I can on my way home today. I will now be doing this on a daily basis until my need for revenge is satisfied. Get a car you bunch of cheap bastards. I hope you guys can bike faster that I can drive or you are in for an accident! Also if any one who participated in this event would like to meet me in an alley some where I would love to beat some biker ass.

The counter-threat:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/867541397.html

Bike riders shouldn't be harrassed by the likes of you
Reply to: pers-867541397@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-05, 3:30PM CDT

I think I'm going to start following bike riders around, since my old lady rides one for exercise, and see if any car drivers fuck with them. If and when you do, I'll follow you to wherever you're going, wait until you stop, then drag you out through your car window, even if I have to break it to do that. I'm big and crazy, and I don't give a fuck. I'll beat you against your own fucking car, use you for a flesh bat to dent your hood and break your windshield. I'll leave you bloody, bruised and broken, and you'll never have a clue who did it. It'll only take a time or two for word to get around, and you nimble shit little fucks in your tin boxes won't feel quite so safe fucking with a bike rider. I see you throwing washers, and in about 3 days, you're going to be shitting washers, because I'll feed them to you through your broken teeth. You fat nasty little gutless fuck, get off the road in your shitbox if you can't figure out a way to share the road, or even my old lady might kick your slats in. She's tougher than you'll ever be.

First mention of the "bike war", and a certain special bodily fluid:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/868275205.html

One Down Shakes! Bike War has started! (South Lamar)
Reply to: pers-868275205@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 9:08AM CDT

Today is day one of the bike war! And I am one for one. Yes it was you (yellow shorts) on 360 today! Did you think the liquid that hit you was water? No it was just piss! Hope to hit at least 50 by the end of the week.

Someone's in need of a defensive driving class, and a hug:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/868332011.html

That's it... (Austin)
Reply to: pers-868332011@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 9:49AM CDT

I am through slamming on my brakes to avoid hitting a cyclist who runs a stop sign or red light. This has happened 3 time this month (Sept). I am through slamming on my brakes to avoid hitting a cyclist who zips past me on the right side when I am making a right turn. I am through slamming on my brakes when a cyclist pulls in front of me on Lavaca when I am trying to pass them in the center lane and they are in the outer lane. I figure if I can put some of these idiots in the hospital the others will get the message. Cyclist follow the traffic rules and you will not be hurt. Don't use you signals, ride with your head up your ass and YOU will be hurt. I am not slamming on my brakes anymore to avoid hitting you just because you ride a bike.
Olediablo

Hmmmm, these threats of violence... internet tough guy, or actual psychopath? You be the judge:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/868488839.html

Re: One Down Shakes! Bike War has started! (South Lamar)
Reply to: pers-868488839@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 11:26AM CDT

So to offend you but war is hell. It was the biker's that drew first blood. And this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I am going to take down at least three bikers a day. Today was just a friendly glass of warm love tomorrow it will be a little cock tale...

Bike ninjas on the attack, harnesing the powers of SCIENCE!:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/868492140.html

RE: Bike wars (360)
Reply to: pers-868492140@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 11:28AM CDT

Shame it is too windy for me to use my bottle of muriatic acid. Swerve at me or get too close your paint job will suffer. Just try me. wind won't blow forever.

Seventy-five to one-fifty?!? Who is this guy, Korgoth the driving barbarian? "Driver, what is best in life? To crush the cyclists, to see them ridden before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.":
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/868574161.html

Re:I'm saving these posts (South Lamar)
Reply to: pers-868574161@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 12:15PM CDT

Please due, this will be premeditated. Hopefully there will be a lot more than just one biker hurt this month. My goal is 75 for this month and 150 for next month.(I am taking a one week vacation next month so I will have more time). And as we know Lance Armstrong does not have the "balls" to stop me. He is one short!

WAT:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/868614325.html

RE:BIKE WARS___PIG DICK LICKER
Reply to: pers-868614325@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 12:41PM CDT

HEY...I HOPE YOUR MURATIC ACID DOES NOT SPILL ON YOUR TINY TINY PENIS AND MELT IT OFF!!!

JUST KIDDING I HOPE IT DOES AND SPILL ON YOUR BUTTHOLE, then you'll need a colostomy bag WHAT FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, this guy is breaking rules 1 and 2 and actually TALKING about the biker mafia. He will be dealt with shortly, you won't hear of this nonsense again:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/868990451.html

bIKE Wars (F*** Off)
Reply to: pers-868990451@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 4:50PM CDT

People - Stop hating. The eyes of the street are upon you. We will be watching - from our cars, from the sidewalk, from our bikes. We will find out who you are. We will file charges. You throw shit at bikers, swerve at bikers, hit bikers - there will be repercussions. As for you who think that all bikers disobey the law, ever seen the parking lots of bars during happy hour?
Wait - it gets better.
Soon you wont be able to afford your cars, your gas, your homes. Soon you will fall. And we will be on our bikes. Merrily on our way.

Go home to your mom you little shit.

Really now y'all, this is embarrassing for everyone involved. I'm an amateur troll at best and I can do better than this. Lets step it up y'all, and come up with a few more creative things than throwing piss or running people over.

Who carries piss or acid on their person anyway? And what do you do with it when you're not on the offensive in the bike war? Maybe I'm better off not knowing.

P.S. just in case any of these people are serious, watch your backs, y'all.