The bike war continues... according to these idiots.

If you've been following the ridiculousness on Craigslist Rants and Raves over the past few days, you know that there's some serious resentment going on between the biking and driving communities. Lots of threats being bandied around, a whole bunch of internet tough guys are flexing their fingers, and it all just keeps getting better and better. Here are a few of the golden classics I archived this morning...

First off, a little sanity. You have to leave now, you're not crazy enough for RnR:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/869150797.html

Bikes and Cars. Why both are idiots.. (Austin)
Reply to: pers-869150797@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 6:49PM CDT

First thing's first. I am an avid bike rider but I also own a car and drive it. I'm about to "rant and rave" about both parties and how dumb they are both being.

Bikes first:
Follow the fucking law. If you want to be treated like a vehicle act like one. Just because you're not polluting or look like a pedestrian doesn't mean you can run a red light. I'm tired of this hippie-Austin -bullshit mentality about how bikes are so eco-friendly and so they get special treatment. You're a vehicle. You stupid fixie-hipster fucks (ps I ride a fixie): get a front brake or ride slower.

Now cars. If you fat fucks in your cars got out on a bike once in a while you wouldn't be fat fucks. That said, generally I'm treated pretty well by cars in Austin. To be honest I'm on the side of cars in this whole debate. They have much more to be mad at. The majority of bikers do not follow the law and there's only a few "bad apple" cars. Coming to a full stop on a bike is a very irritating thing to do. Just because we haven't come to a full stop does not mean we're going to ride out in front of you. I can't count the number of times I've been semi track standing and the fucking car at the stop sign won't go even though he got there first. THEN they get mad at me for not stopping.

Basically I really don't like a lot of my fellow bike riders and the way they ride: like morons.

Wait a minute, who's whining again?
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/869607417.html

to the WHINING CRYBABY BIKE RIDERS who insist they are above the law (FUCK OFF)
Reply to: pers-869607417@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 7:33AM CDT

Eat shit. Quit harrassing law abiding car drivers whos hands YOUR LIFE IS IN is in when you trek down the road.

Keep thinking you are ABOVE THE LAW, that will work.....until a car flattens your ass while you are busy being a DICKWAD>

The acid-throwing bike ninja is perfecting his powers of SCIENCE:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/869686110.html

RE: The bike wars (360)
Reply to: pers-869686110@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 9:03AM CDT

Well it is a bit windy but i found a better way to unleash my muriatic acid. mixed it with some more viscus stuff. Now I don't have the danger of it over spaying on me during windy days. The added bonus is it really sticks to the side of your car or truck. Well that was a nice paint job.

Korgoth the driving barbarian claims more victims, at least in his mind:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rnr/869748385.html

The Bike War Continues (South Lamar)
Reply to: pers-869748385@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 9:52AM CDT

Well it is going quite well! I have taken down 4 bikers in total, only one with heavy damage though. (It is a lot hard than you think to make it look accidental). Thank you to those of you who understand how this war is much bigger that terrorism or a bailout. We must make a stand and destroy all bikers

While all the other ones are just stupid funny, it's really only been the posts from the last guy that have been upsetting me. Not because he's hitting cyclists, since I'm pretty sure we would have seen his victims posted on the blotter, but because he seems to have created this entire fantasy war between himself and the evil band of bikers all in his head.

I've put a little bit of thought into it (very little bit, as you can see) and I'm just imagining some 48 year old balding guy with horrible near-sightedness and a bad case of epilepsy, living in his mothers' basement and playing Grand Theft Auto all hours of the day. He's not legally allowed to drive a car, but is too out-of-shape and clumsy to actually support himself on a bicycle without falling over. His one attempt at cycling for transportation ended in a traumatic skinned knee and a lot of crying. Ever since that point his anger towards cyclists has festered and grown, slowly becoming what you see before you now.

Instead of DOING what he's talking about, he's created this fantasy world for himself based on an amalgamation of his computer gaming persona, his disappointment at never being behind the wheel of an actual car, and his resentment towards people who are in the physical condition to actually stay aloft and propel themselves on a bicycle. All the things he's been going on about have ACTUALLY TAKEN PLACE in this world he's spun for himself within the confines of his twisted psyche. In this world he's the great slayer of cyclists, routinely racking up kill rates of 75-150 a month. He's become an automobile-driving KILLING MACHINE, at least in his own mind. It's this fleeting fantasy that sustains him, and gives him a reason to wake up another day and play another computer game, secretly wishing he could be one of the ones to take to the road as an active participant, and not just the passenger he's always been relegated to.

Thank the bike gods he's not actually allowed to drive, for if he were to get behind the wheel of his mom's car he might be a danger to more than just himself.

At least that's how I imagine him.

P.S. If ANY of you drivers are thinking about trying some of your bullshit on me, let it be known that I JUST fired up the ATXBS time machine and went back to the British-run Hong Kong of 1983, both to re-stock my favorite brand of earl grey tea, AND to recruit these BAD ASS Kung Fu BMX superstars:

Just so y'all know, if you want to fuck with me, you've got to get through them first. Good luck, you're gonna need it.